可能说了无数次的没办法了吧。自己说话的语气可能也变得非常否定。不过这一切也不是自己想要的，真的没办法了。毕竟是我人生经历的第一个如此大的挫折。没退路，前方也没有路。就像迷失在了森林中间，然后回头发现来时的路也都没有了，只能环绕四周寻找出口，结果还是一无所获。
打击真的很大。自己想哭却还是哭不出来。真的想就简简单单的哭一场然后一切继续。这也许是对自己大学以来不努力学习的惩罚，也是一个反馈，更是对自己人生的一个提醒。自己不应该过这样的人生，不应该浑浑噩噩的度日。不应该去接受各种诱惑而放弃了做事情的专注。院试真的不只是简简单单的期末考试，也许是因为每个人都比我学得更好更多所以我才会下来的。悔しいけど受け止めるしかない。
回想原因，最重要的是自己该做一件事情的时候对事情的专注度不够，所以积少成多集腋成裘欠账也就越来越多。专注，还是专注。自己没有那么聪明没有天赋的话做什么就应该用100%的专注度去做，不去理睬其他任何事情任何人，因为没有任何人能真正对自己的各种能力给予帮助，只有自己去磨练去专注地做才是王道。
其次，对freetime的掌控，freetime不代表无所事事看视频，而是也要专注于去做一件事情，要么弄一个hobby要么锻炼身体要么读其他方面的书，总之还是专注，永远不要在做一件事情的时候发现自己不是去思考而是随心所欲，因为那样是最危险的，时间很快的就溜走，而自己却得不到任何帮助，对自己的人生也毫无作用。也就是说即便自己放松时候也要放松的有成果。
真的希望不管自己接下来选择哪条路，自己都要去记住这个时候自己的感受，感受到的耻辱和挫败，还有自己不努力放纵自己造成的后果。不要再去让自己毫无头脑的帮助别人什么的，自己的事情一定是最重要的，自己的计划一定要去实施。因为如果自己得不到的话你所帮助的人也最多会安慰几句而无所适从。拒绝别人不是对别人不好，而是对别人好，因为那样他们就不会因为安慰自己而陷入消极思维回路了。总之，专注于自己。
自己无数次做的plan却从来没有实施过，最重要的是因为太沉溺于现在的开心与舒服而不去想未来的危机和挫败。正是像现在这样。其实只有我自己知道不是自己真的不会，真的考不到那么高的分，i mean我现在确实不会，考不了那么高的分，但是这一切的根源还是自己对待生活和学习的态度，还有自己的自制力。自己需要一个能一直一直激励着自己前进的一个动力，而且要渗透到自己的骨子里。觉得这个就可以。别人觉得学得那么好的我竟然连东大的研究生都没有考上，这个失败应该足够大了吧。
2013年8月29日星期四
2013年8月4日星期日
look into my eyes
Look into my eyes
Tell me what ya see
U don't see a damn thing
Cuz u can't relate to me
U blinded by our differences
My life makes no sense to u
I'm the persecuted one
U the red, white and blue
Each day u wake in tranquility
No fears to cross your eyes
Each day I wake in gratitude
Thankin' God He let me rise
Ya worry 'bout your education
And the bills u have to pay
I worry 'bout my vulnerable life
And if I'll survive another day
Ya biggest fear is getting a ticket
As ya cruise your Cadillac
My fear is that the tank that's just left
Will turn around and come back
Yet do u know the truth of where ya money goes
Do u let the media deceive your mind
Is this a truth that nobody nobody nobody knows
Some one tell me
Oh let's not cry tonight
I promise you one day it's through
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters
Oh shine a light for every soul
That ain't with us no more
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters
See I've known terror for quite some times
57 years so cruel
Terror breathes the air I breathe
It's the check point on my way to school
Terror is the robbery of my land
And the torture of my mother
The imprisonment of my innocent father
The bullet in my baby brother
The bulldozers and the tanks
The gasses and the guns
The bombs that fall outside my door
All due to your funds
You blame me for defending myself
Against the ways of my enemies
I'm terrorized in my own land
And I'm the terrorist
Yet do u know the truth of where ya money goes
Do u let the media deceive your mind
Is this a truth that nobody nobody nobody knows
Some one tell me
Oh let's not cry tonight
I promise you one day it's through
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters
Oh shine a light for every soul
That ain't with us no more
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters
American do ya realize
That the taxes that u pay
Feed the forces that traumatize
My every living day
So if I won't be here tomorrow
It's written in my fate
May the future bring a brighter day
The end of our wait
Oh let's not cry tonight
I promise you one day it's through
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters
Oh shine a light for every soul
That ain't with us no more
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters
Tell me what ya see
U don't see a damn thing
Cuz u can't relate to me
U blinded by our differences
My life makes no sense to u
I'm the persecuted one
U the red, white and blue
Each day u wake in tranquility
No fears to cross your eyes
Each day I wake in gratitude
Thankin' God He let me rise
Ya worry 'bout your education
And the bills u have to pay
I worry 'bout my vulnerable life
And if I'll survive another day
Ya biggest fear is getting a ticket
As ya cruise your Cadillac
My fear is that the tank that's just left
Will turn around and come back
Yet do u know the truth of where ya money goes
Do u let the media deceive your mind
Is this a truth that nobody nobody nobody knows
Some one tell me
Oh let's not cry tonight
I promise you one day it's through
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters
Oh shine a light for every soul
That ain't with us no more
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters
See I've known terror for quite some times
57 years so cruel
Terror breathes the air I breathe
It's the check point on my way to school
Terror is the robbery of my land
And the torture of my mother
The imprisonment of my innocent father
The bullet in my baby brother
The bulldozers and the tanks
The gasses and the guns
The bombs that fall outside my door
All due to your funds
You blame me for defending myself
Against the ways of my enemies
I'm terrorized in my own land
And I'm the terrorist
Yet do u know the truth of where ya money goes
Do u let the media deceive your mind
Is this a truth that nobody nobody nobody knows
Some one tell me
Oh let's not cry tonight
I promise you one day it's through
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters
Oh shine a light for every soul
That ain't with us no more
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters
American do ya realize
That the taxes that u pay
Feed the forces that traumatize
My every living day
So if I won't be here tomorrow
It's written in my fate
May the future bring a brighter day
The end of our wait
Oh let's not cry tonight
I promise you one day it's through
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters
Oh shine a light for every soul
That ain't with us no more
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters
2013年8月3日星期六
a letter to you
Maybe this is the last time I go to your home, or not maybe, just it. Still remember the first time we were together, remember walking down the road holding hands and worrying any acquaintance would see us, remember of our first time, remember the farewell kiss...
Things changed since I came back from Europe, of course. I thought I became more clear about what I am doing now and what I feel like life would be, until I came back home the exact day I went back. Everything is so familiar, as if nothing has changed, everything is still there. But I am wrong. Everything has been changed, including me, perhaps. Everything seems not quite chaos any more except when I am with you. I couldn't act very well in front of you, nor I couldn't be sure what I want from you, nor I couldn't know what is the right things that I can do for you. So I think it is better to start my feeling about you again, or at least from stopping intervene your life. It is better this way. For both of us. And of course I will wish you happiness and a wonderful life.
Changing is always an Augean task to achieve. And the problem I couldn't make one by myself is because I always think too much and hope too high. This time I have to make a little change at one time. And the first one is to think or write or use English more. Just always think about how to say these words in English before I speak or after. Hope this could help me little at least.
One thing I learn this time is that I cannot live my life here, and this way, especially in the place that is seemingly good for your future, generously giving me money, or offering tough work to do. It's just not worth to spend my only life like this. As some one said, tough work or hardworking makes people numb, just like laziness does. Numb about living, about feeling things, Still don't know what should I do in my life, but one thing I know for sure shouldn't do is too make myself NUMB. I like to be energetic and enthusiastic about things. And I know I have to keep my energy full tank all the time, only by this I might being able to find my purpose of living my life.
Things changed since I came back from Europe, of course. I thought I became more clear about what I am doing now and what I feel like life would be, until I came back home the exact day I went back. Everything is so familiar, as if nothing has changed, everything is still there. But I am wrong. Everything has been changed, including me, perhaps. Everything seems not quite chaos any more except when I am with you. I couldn't act very well in front of you, nor I couldn't be sure what I want from you, nor I couldn't know what is the right things that I can do for you. So I think it is better to start my feeling about you again, or at least from stopping intervene your life. It is better this way. For both of us. And of course I will wish you happiness and a wonderful life.
Changing is always an Augean task to achieve. And the problem I couldn't make one by myself is because I always think too much and hope too high. This time I have to make a little change at one time. And the first one is to think or write or use English more. Just always think about how to say these words in English before I speak or after. Hope this could help me little at least.
One thing I learn this time is that I cannot live my life here, and this way, especially in the place that is seemingly good for your future, generously giving me money, or offering tough work to do. It's just not worth to spend my only life like this. As some one said, tough work or hardworking makes people numb, just like laziness does. Numb about living, about feeling things, Still don't know what should I do in my life, but one thing I know for sure shouldn't do is too make myself NUMB. I like to be energetic and enthusiastic about things. And I know I have to keep my energy full tank all the time, only by this I might being able to find my purpose of living my life.
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