可能说了无数次的没办法了吧。自己说话的语气可能也变得非常否定。不过这一切也不是自己想要的，真的没办法了。毕竟是我人生经历的第一个如此大的挫折。没退路，前方也没有路。就像迷失在了森林中间，然后回头发现来时的路也都没有了，只能环绕四周寻找出口，结果还是一无所获。
打击真的很大。自己想哭却还是哭不出来。真的想就简简单单的哭一场然后一切继续。这也许是对自己大学以来不努力学习的惩罚，也是一个反馈，更是对自己人生的一个提醒。自己不应该过这样的人生，不应该浑浑噩噩的度日。不应该去接受各种诱惑而放弃了做事情的专注。院试真的不只是简简单单的期末考试，也许是因为每个人都比我学得更好更多所以我才会下来的。悔しいけど受け止めるしかない。
回想原因，最重要的是自己该做一件事情的时候对事情的专注度不够，所以积少成多集腋成裘欠账也就越来越多。专注，还是专注。自己没有那么聪明没有天赋的话做什么就应该用100%的专注度去做，不去理睬其他任何事情任何人，因为没有任何人能真正对自己的各种能力给予帮助，只有自己去磨练去专注地做才是王道。
其次，对freetime的掌控，freetime不代表无所事事看视频，而是也要专注于去做一件事情，要么弄一个hobby要么锻炼身体要么读其他方面的书，总之还是专注，永远不要在做一件事情的时候发现自己不是去思考而是随心所欲，因为那样是最危险的，时间很快的就溜走，而自己却得不到任何帮助，对自己的人生也毫无作用。也就是说即便自己放松时候也要放松的有成果。
真的希望不管自己接下来选择哪条路，自己都要去记住这个时候自己的感受，感受到的耻辱和挫败，还有自己不努力放纵自己造成的后果。不要再去让自己毫无头脑的帮助别人什么的，自己的事情一定是最重要的，自己的计划一定要去实施。因为如果自己得不到的话你所帮助的人也最多会安慰几句而无所适从。拒绝别人不是对别人不好，而是对别人好，因为那样他们就不会因为安慰自己而陷入消极思维回路了。总之，专注于自己。
自己无数次做的plan却从来没有实施过，最重要的是因为太沉溺于现在的开心与舒服而不去想未来的危机和挫败。正是像现在这样。其实只有我自己知道不是自己真的不会，真的考不到那么高的分，i mean我现在确实不会，考不了那么高的分，但是这一切的根源还是自己对待生活和学习的态度，还有自己的自制力。自己需要一个能一直一直激励着自己前进的一个动力，而且要渗透到自己的骨子里。觉得这个就可以。别人觉得学得那么好的我竟然连东大的研究生都没有考上，这个失败应该足够大了吧。
2013年8月29日星期四
2013年8月4日星期日
look into my eyes
Look into my eyes
Tell me what ya see
U don't see a damn thing
Cuz u can't relate to me
U blinded by our differences
My life makes no sense to u
I'm the persecuted one
U the red, white and blue
Each day u wake in tranquility
No fears to cross your eyes
Each day I wake in gratitude
Thankin' God He let me rise
Ya worry 'bout your education
And the bills u have to pay
I worry 'bout my vulnerable life
And if I'll survive another day
Ya biggest fear is getting a ticket
As ya cruise your Cadillac
My fear is that the tank that's just left
Will turn around and come back
Yet do u know the truth of where ya money goes
Do u let the media deceive your mind
Is this a truth that nobody nobody nobody knows
Some one tell me
Oh let's not cry tonight
I promise you one day it's through
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters
Oh shine a light for every soul
That ain't with us no more
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters
See I've known terror for quite some times
57 years so cruel
Terror breathes the air I breathe
It's the check point on my way to school
Terror is the robbery of my land
And the torture of my mother
The imprisonment of my innocent father
The bullet in my baby brother
The bulldozers and the tanks
The gasses and the guns
The bombs that fall outside my door
All due to your funds
You blame me for defending myself
Against the ways of my enemies
I'm terrorized in my own land
And I'm the terrorist
Yet do u know the truth of where ya money goes
Do u let the media deceive your mind
Is this a truth that nobody nobody nobody knows
Some one tell me
Oh let's not cry tonight
I promise you one day it's through
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters
Oh shine a light for every soul
That ain't with us no more
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters
American do ya realize
That the taxes that u pay
Feed the forces that traumatize
My every living day
So if I won't be here tomorrow
It's written in my fate
May the future bring a brighter day
The end of our wait
Oh let's not cry tonight
I promise you one day it's through
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters
Oh shine a light for every soul
That ain't with us no more
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters
Tell me what ya see
U don't see a damn thing
Cuz u can't relate to me
U blinded by our differences
My life makes no sense to u
I'm the persecuted one
U the red, white and blue
Each day u wake in tranquility
No fears to cross your eyes
Each day I wake in gratitude
Thankin' God He let me rise
Ya worry 'bout your education
And the bills u have to pay
I worry 'bout my vulnerable life
And if I'll survive another day
Ya biggest fear is getting a ticket
As ya cruise your Cadillac
My fear is that the tank that's just left
Will turn around and come back
Yet do u know the truth of where ya money goes
Do u let the media deceive your mind
Is this a truth that nobody nobody nobody knows
Some one tell me
Oh let's not cry tonight
I promise you one day it's through
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters
Oh shine a light for every soul
That ain't with us no more
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters
See I've known terror for quite some times
57 years so cruel
Terror breathes the air I breathe
It's the check point on my way to school
Terror is the robbery of my land
And the torture of my mother
The imprisonment of my innocent father
The bullet in my baby brother
The bulldozers and the tanks
The gasses and the guns
The bombs that fall outside my door
All due to your funds
You blame me for defending myself
Against the ways of my enemies
I'm terrorized in my own land
And I'm the terrorist
Yet do u know the truth of where ya money goes
Do u let the media deceive your mind
Is this a truth that nobody nobody nobody knows
Some one tell me
Oh let's not cry tonight
I promise you one day it's through
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters
Oh shine a light for every soul
That ain't with us no more
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters
American do ya realize
That the taxes that u pay
Feed the forces that traumatize
My every living day
So if I won't be here tomorrow
It's written in my fate
May the future bring a brighter day
The end of our wait
Oh let's not cry tonight
I promise you one day it's through
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters
Oh shine a light for every soul
That ain't with us no more
Ohohoh my brothers
Ohohoh my sisters
2013年8月3日星期六
a letter to you
Maybe this is the last time I go to your home, or not maybe, just it. Still remember the first time we were together, remember walking down the road holding hands and worrying any acquaintance would see us, remember of our first time, remember the farewell kiss...
Things changed since I came back from Europe, of course. I thought I became more clear about what I am doing now and what I feel like life would be, until I came back home the exact day I went back. Everything is so familiar, as if nothing has changed, everything is still there. But I am wrong. Everything has been changed, including me, perhaps. Everything seems not quite chaos any more except when I am with you. I couldn't act very well in front of you, nor I couldn't be sure what I want from you, nor I couldn't know what is the right things that I can do for you. So I think it is better to start my feeling about you again, or at least from stopping intervene your life. It is better this way. For both of us. And of course I will wish you happiness and a wonderful life.
Changing is always an Augean task to achieve. And the problem I couldn't make one by myself is because I always think too much and hope too high. This time I have to make a little change at one time. And the first one is to think or write or use English more. Just always think about how to say these words in English before I speak or after. Hope this could help me little at least.
One thing I learn this time is that I cannot live my life here, and this way, especially in the place that is seemingly good for your future, generously giving me money, or offering tough work to do. It's just not worth to spend my only life like this. As some one said, tough work or hardworking makes people numb, just like laziness does. Numb about living, about feeling things, Still don't know what should I do in my life, but one thing I know for sure shouldn't do is too make myself NUMB. I like to be energetic and enthusiastic about things. And I know I have to keep my energy full tank all the time, only by this I might being able to find my purpose of living my life.
Things changed since I came back from Europe, of course. I thought I became more clear about what I am doing now and what I feel like life would be, until I came back home the exact day I went back. Everything is so familiar, as if nothing has changed, everything is still there. But I am wrong. Everything has been changed, including me, perhaps. Everything seems not quite chaos any more except when I am with you. I couldn't act very well in front of you, nor I couldn't be sure what I want from you, nor I couldn't know what is the right things that I can do for you. So I think it is better to start my feeling about you again, or at least from stopping intervene your life. It is better this way. For both of us. And of course I will wish you happiness and a wonderful life.
Changing is always an Augean task to achieve. And the problem I couldn't make one by myself is because I always think too much and hope too high. This time I have to make a little change at one time. And the first one is to think or write or use English more. Just always think about how to say these words in English before I speak or after. Hope this could help me little at least.
One thing I learn this time is that I cannot live my life here, and this way, especially in the place that is seemingly good for your future, generously giving me money, or offering tough work to do. It's just not worth to spend my only life like this. As some one said, tough work or hardworking makes people numb, just like laziness does. Numb about living, about feeling things, Still don't know what should I do in my life, but one thing I know for sure shouldn't do is too make myself NUMB. I like to be energetic and enthusiastic about things. And I know I have to keep my energy full tank all the time, only by this I might being able to find my purpose of living my life.
2013年7月17日星期三
Skip the class
逃课只是为了自己能重新启动一下。
kierkegaard还是如此的困难，不但上课的东西听不懂，自己也开始去不完成留的reading了，导致自己更听不懂。重新启动一下，一切重回正轨。
书还是要读，不要上网做其他事情。东西首先都要整理好，照片没事儿的时候整理就可以。自己缺乏一个能力就是在看视频啥的没用的事情的时候不能同时去完成另一件事情，而且完成一件事情时候自己还不够认真。也许自己需要做的是一件一件去完成，特别是读书学习的时候不要被其他事情打扰，先完成之后在做别的。
昨天周二去了Carlsburg的museum，里面尝到了最original的味道的carlsburg beer，然后晚上在Thea家附近的一个公园吃了barbecue，还是感觉她真的很美，性格上面也很喜欢，如果是中国的女生就好了。。。何况还有男朋友，哎。
周一下课之后在norreport附近的中国超市买到了一个新加坡娘惹料理，laksa，然后做起来感觉真的蛮好吃的。
在有就是上周末的biketrip了吧。biketrip过后自己的屁股都要两半了，再加上晚上自己从自行车上摔了下来，膝盖也疼是胳膊手腕也疼，嘴下面还被蹭破皮了。不过bike trip这个经历还是很好的，虽然还是不明白kierkegaard为什么能写出来这么晦涩的东西，但是还是享受了丹麦大自然的美丽风光。特别是沿途上美丽的小房子，真的是房子就是面朝大海，还有自己的小庭院，超美。
2013年7月7日星期日
2013年7月4日星期四
first day in Kobenhavn
Great. Just great.
不需要那么在意自己的英语，不需要去迎合他人，即便英语不好也可以跟人交流。masaki真的教了我不少东西。
第一天，认识了masaki和alvin。alvin很喜欢锻炼身体，现在又在外面跑步呢。
这边的人跟德国人一样不是那么的热情。bus很贵，但是还是买了10skip 150kr的票，因为自行车最便宜3周要500，加上自己应该没有那么多时间去出去玩，因为真的有好多reading需要做。虽然自己很想跟他们出去玩啊，或者出去散步什么的，但是自己还是要明白来这里的main purpose。
昨天第一天上课有认识了不少人。wilson, qinglun, thea, noene, yu,etc. norrebro的超市很便宜，然后里面卖各种家庭用品也很便宜，买了抹布和粘毛毛的东西。只是没有塑料袋，不知道哪里可以买到还是一点一点拿到外面去扔。
sickness unto the death买了，每天的reading结束之后一定要看，争取越早看完越好。
不需要那么在意自己的英语，不需要去迎合他人，即便英语不好也可以跟人交流。masaki真的教了我不少东西。
第一天，认识了masaki和alvin。alvin很喜欢锻炼身体，现在又在外面跑步呢。
这边的人跟德国人一样不是那么的热情。bus很贵，但是还是买了10skip 150kr的票，因为自行车最便宜3周要500，加上自己应该没有那么多时间去出去玩，因为真的有好多reading需要做。虽然自己很想跟他们出去玩啊，或者出去散步什么的，但是自己还是要明白来这里的main purpose。
昨天第一天上课有认识了不少人。wilson, qinglun, thea, noene, yu,etc. norrebro的超市很便宜，然后里面卖各种家庭用品也很便宜，买了抹布和粘毛毛的东西。只是没有塑料袋，不知道哪里可以买到还是一点一点拿到外面去扔。
sickness unto the death买了，每天的reading结束之后一定要看，争取越早看完越好。
2013年5月31日星期五
一场梦
感觉5月份的确是做梦的时间。
五月最后的一天，在逃课了的下午，听着以前不记得什么时候听过的毕业歌曲-北京东路的日子，揉了揉惺忪的眼睛，回想刚才故事一般的梦，发现自己。。。要毕业了。
先说刚才的梦吧，也许是最近三体看多了，总是会把里面的情节往书里面靠，但是却发现没有什么关系。梦里面主人公是用的英语，故事也是发生在欧洲的某个类似古城堡的地方里面。
感觉没什么营养的故事。。。好吧，就算记流水账好了。
北京东路的日子
1，他走到了游人络绎不绝的广场中央，凝视着一桩古老的建筑。突然他若有其事的往前走了几步，再往右，而眼睛始终在盯着古堡的屋顶，似乎在寻找一个完美的角度。广场上巡逻的穿红色衣服的一个似乎年纪挺大的卫兵骑着马经过了他几次，用奇怪的眼神看了他几眼，然后与那个人身后的一个在空中走廊里面站岗的士兵交换了一个眼神，耸了耸肩。突然他操起了并不是很熟练的英语喊住了卫兵，问他那幢古堡的后面的一个更大的类似凯旋门的建筑上面有一个突起的部分究竟是在那个门的第几根柱子上面。他问问题的时候不是很突然的很专业的问，而是一步一步的问那个士兵看到那个凯旋门了么，然后看到凯旋门的几根柱子了么，诸如此类的。结果当他在问问题的时候突然原本发光的眼神暗了下来，说了一句又看不到了，然后又试着跑了几步，上下蹲起了几次，最后还是沮丧的嘟囔着这次又看不到了，然后头也不回的离开卫兵，走进了稀稀疏疏的人群里面。卫兵又抬头瞅了一眼，又一次耸了耸肩。
2，在透明的空中走廊里面，女主角又一次故意的经过了这里，心想，今天应该能看到他吧。走到走廊的中间时候，她停了下来，又一次看到了他熟悉的专注的背影。旁边刚换下班的卫兵经过她的时候碰到了她的裙摆，对她说对不起女士。没关系。她头也不转一下的继续看着广场上专注的背影。真希望知道他在找什么。
3，又一次来到广场，却并不记得这是不是第一次来，更记不得自己是第几次来，反正无所谓，只是出现在了梦里。等一下，梦里？他使劲摇了摇头，吐槽不能在梦里面还吐槽吧。走到广场的一个貌似熟悉的位置，抬头看着前面的古堡，他的右上角的突出的屋顶的身后应该有一个更高的突起在那里。在哪里呢？左右前后都走了走突然出现了那个部分，真美。世界就应该这样的停止住，这种空间上面交错的感觉不知是偶然，还是相距200多年的设计师心照不宣的默契。突然，想起来了些什么，回头看到了离得不远有一个士兵。Hello, may I ask you something about the roof of that castle over there?...但是数着数着后面凯旋门的柱子，发现后面好像不只是一个门，而是连起来的建筑群，另外一面也有一个与之一样的凯旋门，不对，回到这个门上面，那个突起的部分是。。。右数第二个？等一下，形状不是这样来的，再回到刚才的位置吧，怎么又看不到了突起的部分。。。好吧，今天又看不到了，明天再来看吧。等一下，我以前来看过么？。。。
感觉没什么营养的故事。。。好吧，就算记流水账好了。
北京东路的日子
开始的开始我们都是孩子
最后的最后渴望变成天使
歌谣的歌谣藏着童话的影子
孩子的孩子该要飞往哪去
开始的开始我们都是孩子
最后的最后渴望变成天使
歌谣的歌谣藏着童话的影子
孩子的孩子该要飞往哪去
最后的最后渴望变成天使
歌谣的歌谣藏着童话的影子
孩子的孩子该要飞往哪去
开始的开始我们都是孩子
最后的最后渴望变成天使
歌谣的歌谣藏着童话的影子
孩子的孩子该要飞往哪去
当某天你若听见有人在说那些奇怪的语言
当某天你若看见满街的本子还是学乐先
当某天再唱着这首歌会是在哪一个角落
当某天再踏进这校园会是哪片落叶掉进回忆的流年
当某天你若看见满街的本子还是学乐先
当某天再唱着这首歌会是在哪一个角落
当某天再踏进这校园会是哪片落叶掉进回忆的流年
表示从一楼到四楼的距离原来只有三年
表示门卫叔叔食堂阿姨很有夫妻脸
各种季风洋流都搞不懂还有新视野
各种曾经狂热的海报照片卖几块几毛钱
我们穿上西装假装成长
胶片挥霍习惯的笑脸
悲伤一发寂寞唏嘘
痛的初体验
毕业和成年的字眼
格外扣人心弦
各种莫名的感伤
只说句嘻嘻一些
表示门卫叔叔食堂阿姨很有夫妻脸
各种季风洋流都搞不懂还有新视野
各种曾经狂热的海报照片卖几块几毛钱
我们穿上西装假装成长
胶片挥霍习惯的笑脸
悲伤一发寂寞唏嘘
痛的初体验
毕业和成年的字眼
格外扣人心弦
各种莫名的感伤
只说句嘻嘻一些
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